Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mother's Day.

Is this blog really so neglected that I have posted only 5 times since last Mother's Day?


This year my mother is here in the city for a big Mother's Day brunch planned by a dear friend. We are both sick and pretty much feel like shit. But we, as mothers do, got up, showered and put on a smile and went anyway. It was fun.

The best part of the day happened right when my mother, daughter and I walked into the restaurant. R was parking the car and there were loads of people to say hello to...and then I heard it. Aaron Neville singing Sam Cooke's A Change Is Gonna Come. I am not sure how I held myself together.

Thank You for the sign (again) my sweet babies. Mama loves you too.

Monday, April 12, 2010


Dear Tess & Oliver,
Five years? How can it be? I should be planning a big party to celebrate the fact that you are each a "whole-hand old" now.

1,825 days plus 1 for leap year, that makes 1,826 days without you two.
Not one of those days has passed without me wishing you were here.

Much love my sweet babies.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


The dark of Winter fades. The air becomes warmer. The trees bloom.
Smiles return to faces on the train and on the sidewalk.
Evidence of LIFE returning after a long hibernation.


The cold of death is close. It lingers underneath my chest, tightly gripping my heart.

Flashbacks of walking into the hospital in my Winter clothing, two babies in my belly…and then walking out, empty. Stepping into blue skies, sunshine, and the evidence of LIFE all around me. In new babies born, in trees blooming, in the smiles on faces.

Grief is a funny thing. A process, I’ve come to realize, that is ever-changing and never complete.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Wave of light.

Tonight I lit a candle for Tess and Oliver and all the babies loved and lost. Davis helped me light the candles saying each of their names in her sing-song way...for her it's abstract and pure and not layered with heartache. I love that.

My sister sent a text that she was also burning a candle for T and O. When she opened her candle it had two wicks. Sweet babies saying hello to their Auntie K.


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Three? Yes, Three.

My sweet baby girl,
Don't you know that when you say "Mama your baby is gone. I am a BIG girl." It's like a knife in my heart.
Just yesterday you were a little squirmy thing that would just stick to my shoulder or tuck right in the crook of my arm.
I could wrap you up in fabric and attach you to my body as if I were a mama kangaroo.
And now? Now, you're (way) more than half my height and baby big girl you are strong. Strong in both physical strength and will. Your imagination knows no bounds. You can mashup Dizney movies like nobody's business. I never knew that Cinderella also fell asleep until the Prince came to kiss her. I love that you introduce your Daddy as the Evil Stepsister as if she is your BFF. To you anything and everything is possible. Head cocked to the side and hands on hips you negotiate EVERYthing. "Hey Mom, I know you want me to have cereal for breakfast but hey I reeeeally would like to have bunny cookies first and theeeen have cereal. Ok Mama? Ok. Please Mama? Ok. Thank you Mama. You are the best Mommy in the whole wide world Mama."
I see you growing and blossoming and I just want to hit pause or at least slow motion.
I don't want to miss. One. Moment.

Happy Birthday my sweet baby girl Davis.
I love you all the way to the Moon, to Texas and back to Brooklyn, too.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The big four ohhhhhhhhh.

Today I am 40.
F O R T Y.
Ten times four, twenty times two.
Thirty-nine plus one.
It all adds up the same.

I was in high school when my mother turned forty. I distinctly remember feeling that, for her, it was all over now. Forty, all down hill from there. She was (in my 17 year old head) old.

I'm happy to report that forty is not old. It's definitely not over or down hill from here. Other than the occasional hotflash (really? already? wow.) a few hairs that, from time to time, mysteriously pop up on the chin, and the teeth falling out of my head, well, I feel anything BUT old.

And honestly life has been so busy I have not had a moment to even dread the day.

So here is a list of the last few months, because if I wrote about it all in detail it'd be one long flipping post.

• We are adopting! From Ethiopia. Just finished most of the paperwork, waiting for it all to be certified before it heads off to Africa. Have Love Will Travel, is our adoption blog. Yes, haha, there is another neglected (by me) blog out there. But I needed to have a separate blog as not everyone in the family and IRL have privy to this blog. Lots more to post about this topic here. Soon.

• Work is a beast. We are working with a skeleton crew and it's busy. ugh.

• My incredible and insanely talented husband finished his top secret project. Most friends were disappointed it was not a death ray laser as he had promised. But it IS quite impressive and I'm so proud of him. It's been killing me to keep it under wraps for so long. But now I can scream about it from the rooftops! Wee See was born right after Davis and has truly been the other baby in the house ever since. If you're one of those NoTV! mamas, please don't hate. It's not TV, more like something beautiful for your baby to watch while you sneak 15 minutes to take a shower or pee or whatever. You can check it out and read all about it here. oh, and buy one too! They are not just for babies the LA launch party everyone that came in stressed out from traffic was instantly calmed.

• Which brings to me to where I've been the last few months...planning 3 launch parties in 3 states within 7 days. Yup. Phew. NYC May 27. Dallas TX May 30 and LA June 2. All went smashingly well and we've gotten great press and feedback so far.

• My teeth are falling out of my head. Or I'm grinding them out of my head. Anyone that read my old blog and remembers the screw story, will note that this seems to be a recurring problem. I'm now on the third tooth to be pulled, bone graft and soon-to-be implants. Can you say cha-ching. Yes. Dental implants are not cheap. Especially when you do them two at a time. So three teeth down in four years. Time for a mouth guard? Probably. Or maybe back to yoga practice would be better all around.

• My little baby is growing up way too quickly. All signs of baby-ness have disappeared. She will not let you use the word baby for any reason. Rock-a-bye-baby? "uh no. It's rock-a-bye-BIG-girl." Thank you. Good night sweet baby? "Um, Mama, you can't say good night bay-beeeee, you have to say good night BIG girl." She'll be three in a few weeks. I can't believe it. sigh.

So that's the skinny on me.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day

Last night I woke from a dream my pillow wet with tears.
The only thing I could remember about the dream was the face of my sister's dear friend Kara. She was killed by a drunk driver a few months after my sister's first child was born. 16 years ago. She was an only child. I cannot imagine how Kara's mother could go on... and after losing Tess & Oliver and now having Davis, my only true fear is that something would happen and Davis will leave this earth before me. It's just not how it is supposed to be.

My mind quickly went to the moment when I had to say goodbye to T&O. Their tiny bodies fit in my hands. I wish I had spent more time holding them. I wish I hadn't let my sister go home the day before, telling her that everything was ok. I wish that all of their grandparents could had seen them and held them. Not just their Mimi. I wish I had let my best friends come to the hospital. To help me and Rolyn get through and to see the babies that should have been. I wish I had let M take beautiful photos of my babies as I know he would have. I only have the few taken by the hospital and from my mother's phone. Mostly, I wish I weren't the mother of two dead babies.

Tears came along with sobs and soon Rolyn was holding me telling it was ok to cry. That our babies would always be with us. I do believe it, I do. I feel it. And every once in a while I will get a sign.

The days and weeks and months that followed Tess & Oliver's deaths I listened to one song over and over. Sam Cooke's A Change Is Gonna Come. I bought several versions sung by different artists. Aaron Neville's version was the one that made me smile while Tina Turner's always brought me to tears. I started every day listening to this song sung by Tina, Aretha, Aaron, Sam and Otis. I listened to them all. Every day. The words, so perfect.

A Change Is Gonna Come

(Aretha's versions starts with: There's an old friend that I once heard say, something that touched my heart and it began this way....)

I was born by the river in a little tent
Oh and just like the river I've been running ever since
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

It's been too hard living but I'm afraid to die
Cause I don't know what's up there beyond the sky
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

I go to the movie and I go downtown somebody keep telling me don't hang around
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

Then I go to my brother
And I say brother help me please
But he winds up knockin' me
Back down on my knees

There been times that I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

This morning Rolyn was leaving to go to work (yes, on Sunday, on Mother's Day. He's working extremely hard for the future, our future) he went to shut down the computer. Though the computer was on, the screen was black and he couldn't figure out what was going on. Then he said "Heather, I think you are getting a sign. Come in here." I walked into the bedroom and from the computer speakers I could hear Aaron Neville singing. A Change Is Gonna Come. I just looked at him wiping tears from his eyes and I bawled.

But I knew, we both knew, that our babies were telling me Happy Mother's Day and it made my heart smile.