Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day

Last night I woke from a dream my pillow wet with tears.
The only thing I could remember about the dream was the face of my sister's dear friend Kara. She was killed by a drunk driver a few months after my sister's first child was born. 16 years ago. She was an only child. I cannot imagine how Kara's mother could go on... and after losing Tess & Oliver and now having Davis, my only true fear is that something would happen and Davis will leave this earth before me. It's just not how it is supposed to be.

My mind quickly went to the moment when I had to say goodbye to T&O. Their tiny bodies fit in my hands. I wish I had spent more time holding them. I wish I hadn't let my sister go home the day before, telling her that everything was ok. I wish that all of their grandparents could had seen them and held them. Not just their Mimi. I wish I had let my best friends come to the hospital. To help me and Rolyn get through and to see the babies that should have been. I wish I had let M take beautiful photos of my babies as I know he would have. I only have the few taken by the hospital and from my mother's phone. Mostly, I wish I weren't the mother of two dead babies.

Tears came along with sobs and soon Rolyn was holding me telling it was ok to cry. That our babies would always be with us. I do believe it, I do. I feel it. And every once in a while I will get a sign.

The days and weeks and months that followed Tess & Oliver's deaths I listened to one song over and over. Sam Cooke's A Change Is Gonna Come. I bought several versions sung by different artists. Aaron Neville's version was the one that made me smile while Tina Turner's always brought me to tears. I started every day listening to this song sung by Tina, Aretha, Aaron, Sam and Otis. I listened to them all. Every day. The words, so perfect.

A Change Is Gonna Come

(Aretha's versions starts with: There's an old friend that I once heard say, something that touched my heart and it began this way....)

I was born by the river in a little tent
Oh and just like the river I've been running ever since
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

It's been too hard living but I'm afraid to die
Cause I don't know what's up there beyond the sky
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

I go to the movie and I go downtown somebody keep telling me don't hang around
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

Then I go to my brother
And I say brother help me please
But he winds up knockin' me
Back down on my knees

There been times that I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

This morning Rolyn was leaving to go to work (yes, on Sunday, on Mother's Day. He's working extremely hard for the future, our future) he went to shut down the computer. Though the computer was on, the screen was black and he couldn't figure out what was going on. Then he said "Heather, I think you are getting a sign. Come in here." I walked into the bedroom and from the computer speakers I could hear Aaron Neville singing. A Change Is Gonna Come. I just looked at him wiping tears from his eyes and I bawled.

But I knew, we both knew, that our babies were telling me Happy Mother's Day and it made my heart smile.


  1. I love signs that don't need sought out or explained -- the real obvious ones. Especially if they're good.

    I'm so glad, and so miserably sorry that you're blogging.

  2. Hello-
    I am so sorry for your loss of Tess and Oliver. I saw you are a new blogger on Stirrup Queens and wanted to introduce myself.

  3. I totally believe that people who are no longer with us send us signs. I'm so sorry you lost your children, but also happy that they were able to send you a message of love.

    Here from lfca

  4. I'm so sorry about your babies, you write about it beautifully. Hopefully blogging will help you heal and make some friends who understand what you're going through. So, welcome to blogging, may it treat you well! (Here from LFCA).

  5. Heather, I am so pleased that T&O said hi to you. I know it is heartbreaking but it's also so important that you know how loved they were and are, and how they are watching you, R and D and keeping you loved and safe. sending my love as ever