tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79553035967546963002024-03-13T07:56:17.262-04:00Life in the StraddleLiving life straddling the line between deadbabyland and livebabyland.
Rambling on about infertility, ivf, infant loss, incompetent cervix, bed rest, parenting, and everything in between. AND now adding an international adoption to the list... Ethiopia here we come!HDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00348837788996467720noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955303596754696300.post-76103015229906963432010-05-09T19:14:00.002-04:002010-05-09T19:23:40.149-04:00Happy Mother's Day.Is this blog really so neglected that I have posted only 5 times since last Mother's Day?<br /><br />Yes.<br /><br />This year my mother is here in the city for a big Mother's Day brunch planned by a dear friend. We are both sick and pretty much feel like shit. But we, as mothers do, got up, showered and put on a smile and went anyway. It was fun.<br /><br />The best part of the day happened right when my mother, daughter and I walked into the restaurant. R was parking the car and there were loads of people to say hello to...and then I heard it. Aaron Neville singing Sam Cooke's <span style="font-style:italic;">A Change Is Gonna Come</span>. I am not sure how I held myself together.<br /><br />Thank You for the sign (<a href="http://lifeinthestraddle.blogspot.com/2009/05/happy-mothers-day.html">again</a>) my sweet babies. Mama loves you too.HDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00348837788996467720noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955303596754696300.post-28258815516322900232010-04-12T00:01:00.001-04:002010-04-12T00:01:00.362-04:00Five.Dear Tess & Oliver,<br />Five years? How can it be? I should be planning a big party to celebrate the fact that you are each a "whole-hand old" now. <br /><br />1,825 days plus 1 for leap year, that makes 1,826 days without you two.<br />Not one of those days has passed without me wishing you were here.<br /><br />Sigh.<br />Much love my sweet babies.<br />MamaHDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00348837788996467720noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955303596754696300.post-32622383521710162492010-04-07T15:58:00.000-04:002010-04-07T15:59:44.672-04:00Spring.The dark of Winter fades. The air becomes warmer. The trees bloom.<br />Smiles return to faces on the train and on the sidewalk.<br />Evidence of LIFE returning after a long hibernation.<br /><br />Yet.<br /><br />The cold of death is close. It lingers underneath my chest, tightly gripping my heart.<br /><br />Flashbacks of walking into the hospital in my Winter clothing, two babies in my belly…and then walking out, empty. Stepping into blue skies, sunshine, and the evidence of LIFE all around me. In new babies born, in trees blooming, in the smiles on faces. <br /><br />Grief is a funny thing. A process, I’ve come to realize, that is ever-changing and never complete.HDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00348837788996467720noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955303596754696300.post-73359290581757664042009-10-15T22:38:00.003-04:002009-10-15T22:44:18.574-04:00Wave of light.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_tRlvxT5RmL4/Stfc2_K2KdI/AAAAAAAAAAs/SqTMp6I-28E/s1600-h/-1.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 234px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_tRlvxT5RmL4/Stfc2_K2KdI/AAAAAAAAAAs/SqTMp6I-28E/s320/-1.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5393021916027431378" /></a><br /><br />Tonight I lit a candle for Tess and Oliver and all the babies loved and lost. Davis helped me light the candles saying each of their names in her sing-song way...for her it's abstract and pure and not layered with heartache. I love that.<br /><br />My sister sent a text that she was also burning a candle for T and O. When she opened her candle it had two wicks. Sweet babies saying hello to their Auntie K.<br /><br />sigh.HDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00348837788996467720noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955303596754696300.post-62360451506457996492009-08-04T07:19:00.000-04:002009-08-04T07:19:00.466-04:00Three? Yes, Three.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_tRlvxT5RmL4/Sned7Ah2xWI/AAAAAAAAAAk/jbGY_bOM4hE/s1600-h/bubbleparty01b.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 213px; height: 320px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_tRlvxT5RmL4/Sned7Ah2xWI/AAAAAAAAAAk/jbGY_bOM4hE/s320/bubbleparty01b.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5365931118115079522" /></a><br />My sweet baby girl,<br />Don't you know that when you say "Mama your baby is gone. I am a BIG girl." It's like a knife in my heart.<br />Just yesterday you were a little squirmy thing that would just stick to my shoulder or tuck right in the crook of my arm.<br />I could wrap you up in fabric and attach you to my body as if I were a mama kangaroo. <br />And now? Now, you're (way) more than half my height and <strike>baby</strike> big girl you are strong. Strong in both physical strength and will. Your imagination knows no bounds. You can mashup Dizney movies like nobody's business. I never knew that Cinderella also fell asleep until the Prince came to kiss her. I love that you introduce your Daddy as the Evil Stepsister as if she is your BFF. To you anything and everything is possible. Head cocked to the side and hands on hips you negotiate EVERYthing. "Hey Mom, I know you want me to have cereal for breakfast but hey I reeeeally would like to have bunny cookies first and theeeen have cereal. Ok Mama? Ok. Please Mama? Ok. Thank you Mama. You are the best Mommy in the whole wide world Mama." <br />I see you growing and blossoming and I just want to hit pause or at least slow motion. <br />I don't want to miss. One. Moment. <br /><br />Happy Birthday my sweet baby girl Davis.<br />I love you all the way to the Moon, to Texas and back to Brooklyn, too.<br />MamaHDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00348837788996467720noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955303596754696300.post-74589433841861114062009-06-18T08:05:00.001-04:002009-06-18T08:05:00.900-04:00The big four ohhhhhhhhh.Today I am 40. <br />F O R T Y. <br />Ten times four, twenty times two. <br />Thirty-nine plus one.<br />Whatev. <br />It all adds up the same.<br />40.<br /><br />I was in high school when my mother turned forty. I distinctly remember feeling that, for her, it was all over now. Forty, all down hill from there. She was (in my 17 year old head) <span style="font-style:italic;">old.</span><br /><br />I'm happy to report that forty is not old. It's definitely not over or down hill from here. Other than the occasional hotflash (really? already? wow.) a few hairs that, from time to time, mysteriously pop up on the chin, and the teeth falling out of my head, well, I feel anything BUT old. <br /><br />And honestly life has been so busy I have not had a moment to even dread the day.<br /><br />So here is a list of the last few months, because if I wrote about it all in detail it'd be one long flipping post.<br /><br />• We are adopting! From Ethiopia. Just finished most of the paperwork, waiting for it all to be certified before it heads off to Africa. <a href="http://heatherandrolyn.blogspot.com/">Have Love Will Travel</a>, is our adoption blog. Yes, haha, there is another neglected (by me) blog out there. But I needed to have a separate blog as not everyone in the family and IRL have privy to this blog. Lots more to post about this topic here. Soon. <br /><br />• Work is a beast. We are working with a skeleton crew and it's busy. ugh.<br /><br />• My incredible and insanely talented husband finished his top secret project. Most friends were disappointed it was not a death ray laser as he had promised. But it IS quite impressive and I'm so proud of him. It's been killing me to keep it under wraps for so long. But now I can scream about it from the rooftops! Wee See was born right after Davis and has truly been the other baby in the house ever since. If you're one of those NoTV! mamas, please don't hate. It's not TV, more like something beautiful for your baby to watch while you sneak 15 minutes to take a shower or pee or whatever. You can check it out and read all about it <a href="http://www.weeseeworld.com">here</a>. oh, and buy one too! They are not just for babies anymore...at the LA launch party everyone that came in stressed out from traffic was instantly calmed.<br /><br />• Which brings to me to where I've been the last few months...planning 3 launch parties in 3 states within 7 days. Yup. Phew. NYC May 27. Dallas TX May 30 and LA June 2. All went smashingly well and we've gotten great press and feedback so far. <br /><br />• My teeth are falling out of my head. Or I'm grinding them out of my head. Anyone that read my old blog and remembers the <a href="http://morethanatata.blogspot.com/2005/11/screw-came-loose.html">screw story</a>, will note that this seems to be a <a href="http://morethanatata.blogspot.com/2008/12/new-screw.html">recurring problem</a>. I'm now on the third tooth to be pulled, bone graft and soon-to-be implants. Can you say cha-ching. Yes. Dental implants are not cheap. Especially when you do them two at a time. So three teeth down in four years. Time for a mouth guard? Probably. Or maybe back to yoga practice would be better all around.<br /><br />• My little baby is growing up way too quickly. All signs of baby-ness have disappeared. She will not let you use the word baby for any reason. Rock-a-bye-baby? "uh no. It's rock-a-bye-BIG-girl." Thank you. Good night sweet baby? "Um, Mama, you can't say good night bay-beeeee, you have to say good night BIG girl." She'll be three in a few weeks. I can't believe it. sigh.<br /><br />So that's the skinny on me. <br />Forty.<br />wow.HDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00348837788996467720noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955303596754696300.post-71412208961993756962009-05-10T12:12:00.008-04:002009-05-10T13:47:23.486-04:00Happy Mother's DayLast night I woke from a dream my pillow wet with tears.<br />The only thing I could remember about the dream was the face of my sister's dear friend Kara. She was killed by a drunk driver a few months after my sister's first child was born. 16 years ago. She was an only child. I cannot imagine how Kara's mother could go on... and after losing Tess & Oliver and now having Davis, my only true fear is that something would happen and Davis will leave this earth before me. It's just not how it is supposed to be.<br /><br />My mind quickly went to the moment when I had to say goodbye to T&O. Their tiny bodies fit in my hands. I wish I had spent more time holding them. I wish I hadn't let my sister go home the day before, telling her that everything was ok. I wish that all of their grandparents could had seen them and held them. Not just their Mimi. I wish I had let my best friends come to the hospital. To help me and Rolyn get through and to see the babies that should have been. I wish I had let M take beautiful photos of my babies as I know he would have. I only have the few taken by the hospital and from my mother's phone. Mostly, I wish I weren't the mother of two dead babies. <br /><br />Tears came along with sobs and soon Rolyn was holding me telling it was ok to cry. That our babies would always be with us. I do believe it, I do. I feel it. And every once in a while I will get a sign.<br /><br />The days and weeks and months that followed Tess & Oliver's deaths I listened to one song over and over. Sam Cooke's <span style="font-style:italic;">A Change Is Gonna Come</span>. I bought several versions sung by different artists. Aaron Neville's version was the one that made me smile while Tina Turner's always brought me to tears. I started every day listening to this song sung by Tina, Aretha, Aaron, Sam and Otis. I listened to them all. Every day. The words, so perfect.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">A Change Is Gonna Come<br /><br />(Aretha's versions starts with: There's an old friend that I once heard say, something that touched my heart and it began this way....)<br /><br />I was born by the river in a little tent <br />Oh and just like the river I've been running ever since <br />It's been a long, a long time coming <br />But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will <br /><br />It's been too hard living but I'm afraid to die <br />Cause I don't know what's up there beyond the sky <br />It's been a long, a long time coming <br />But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will <br /><br />I go to the movie and I go downtown somebody keep telling me don't hang around <br />It's been a long, a long time coming <br />But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will <br /><br />Then I go to my brother <br />And I say brother help me please <br />But he winds up knockin' me <br />Back down on my knees <br /><br />There been times that I thought I couldn't last for long <br />But now I think I'm able to carry on <br />It's been a long, a long time coming <br />But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will </span><br /><br />This morning Rolyn was leaving to go to work (yes, on Sunday, on Mother's Day. He's working extremely hard for the future, our future) he went to shut down the computer. Though the computer was on, the screen was black and he couldn't figure out what was going on. Then he said "Heather, I think you are getting a sign. Come in here." I walked into the bedroom and from the computer speakers I could hear Aaron Neville singing. <span style="font-weight:bold;">A Change Is Gonna Come<span style="font-style:italic;"></span></span>. I just looked at him wiping tears from his eyes and I bawled. <br /><br />But I knew, we both knew, that our babies were telling me Happy Mother's Day and it made my heart smile.HDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00348837788996467720noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955303596754696300.post-60879996292432219662009-04-12T08:01:00.002-04:002009-04-12T08:05:41.028-04:00Four.Happy Birthday sweet Tess & Oliver.<br />You are always on our minds and forever in our hearts.<br />Love,<br />Mommy, Daddy & your baby sister Davis Lee.HDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00348837788996467720noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955303596754696300.post-6795108193350519022009-03-24T13:33:00.004-04:002009-03-24T13:43:31.309-04:00ahhhh the English.Apparently there is a bit of dueling going on in the UK.<br /><a href="http://www.atheistcampaign.org/">This group</a> has started the athiest campaign running on buses.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_tRlvxT5RmL4/Sckat3tSX1I/AAAAAAAAAAM/KNN1nB0biAU/s1600-h/oKH5jo3iFih8exljdm132c46o1_500.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 190px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_tRlvxT5RmL4/Sckat3tSX1I/AAAAAAAAAAM/KNN1nB0biAU/s320/oKH5jo3iFih8exljdm132c46o1_500.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5316810210437914450" border="0" /></a><br /><br />To which the Christian movement responded with...<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_tRlvxT5RmL4/SckbCj7mToI/AAAAAAAAAAU/1wBL6Svt1jg/s1600-h/oKH5jo3iFjo87kkqRi2Hh8CUo1_500.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 192px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_tRlvxT5RmL4/SckbCj7mToI/AAAAAAAAAAU/1wBL6Svt1jg/s320/oKH5jo3iFjo87kkqRi2Hh8CUo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5316810565906484866" /></a><br /><br />and now even better there is a bus slogan <a href="http://ruletheweb.co.uk/b3ta/bus/">generator</a> where you can create your own. Here's mine...<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_tRlvxT5RmL4/Sckbf7lFRlI/AAAAAAAAAAc/_WvKs5tyBgE/s1600-h/bus.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_tRlvxT5RmL4/Sckbf7lFRlI/AAAAAAAAAAc/_WvKs5tyBgE/s320/bus.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5316811070470702674" /></a>HDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00348837788996467720noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955303596754696300.post-67752204582257448472009-03-12T09:59:00.001-04:002009-04-12T08:07:41.242-04:00Speaking of uncomfortable...A meme that's traveling around that time sucking social networking site that I will not mention by name has tagged me more than once. Kind of perfectly timed with my first post, no?<br />Sting is the only way I can describe my initial reaction. The only place I could respond is here, because my list is not the haha-aw-so-sweet-woohoo kind of list, now is it. My favorite line is "Let's see how much you remember!" As if I could ever forget.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">My First Born</span><br /><br />Here you go mommies - a different kind of survey for a change - it's all about your first born! Just copy and paste it in a new note for yourself!<br /><br />Let's see how much you remember!<br /><br />1. WAS YOUR FIRST PREGNANCY PLANNED? Not only was it planned, it was begged and borrowed make-a-deal-with-devil-if-I-have-to planned<br /><br />2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME? Yes<br /><br />3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS? Shocked that it actually worked. Pure happiness.<br /><br />4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU? No. But if the first sono had revealed eight babies, selective reduction definitely and heartbreakingly would have been our choice<br /><br />5. HOW OLD WERE YOU? 35<br /><br />6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT? The nurse called with beta results. So romantic. It was <span style="font-style: italic;">just</span> like those First Response commercials.<br /><br />7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST? Rolyn was with me when the call came in...we told our parents and my sister first. Then very close friends.<br /><br />8. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX? Not at first, but we did find out after the cvs testing.<br /><br />9. DUE DATE? August 30<br /><br />10. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS? Only one morning, the morning of our first sonogram but I think that was just puking from anxiety.<br /><br />11. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE? Pickles. Non-stop.<br /><br />12. WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST? Stupid comments.<br /><br />13. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD'S SEX? Girl AND Boy<br /><br />14. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING? I would have been thrilled with either.<br /><br />15. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY? No idea.<br /><br />16. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER? Nope.<br /><br />17. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW? n/a<br /><br />18. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY? You could say that.<br /><br />19. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH? New York Presbyterian Hospital<br /><br />20. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR? Eight<br /><br />21. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL? Not necessary, I had already been there a week.<br /><br />22. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH? Rolyn and my Mom.<br /><br />23. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION? Natural and surreal.<br /><br />24. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN? Yes, but it only worked on half my body and did nothing at all for my heart.<br /><br />27. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH? Tess 12 oz. Oliver 15 oz.<br /><br />28. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN? April 12, 2005<br /><br />30. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER? Tess and Oliver<br /><br />31. HOW OLD IS YOUR FIRST BORN TODAY? 0HDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00348837788996467720noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7955303596754696300.post-35487586636722576162009-03-10T21:49:00.001-04:002009-04-12T08:08:07.533-04:00Hello<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Ok</span> so here we go, New! blog.<div><br /><div>I've been trying to get this up and running for too long. I have been stumbling over the name and the intro text. I sat down originally and it came to me quickly but then the hubs was a bit put off by my intro, specifically the word <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">deadbabyland</span>. So I tried out a few other ways of saying the same thing. There just doesn't seem to be a nice way of saying it. In the almost four years since stepping into the land of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">deadbabymamas</span> I've found that no matter when/where/who/how it is brought up, the subject of dead babies is uncomfortable. No one understands this more than someone that has the unfortunate membership to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">deadbabyland</span>. It's always rubbed me the wrong way when I hear the words "I <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">lost</span> twins, Tess and Oliver" coming out of my mouth. It makes my skin crawl. Just the way it sounds... lost? As if I looked hard enough or long enough I could <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">find</span> them. But I continue to use lost as it's the nicest way to say it. Yet even using the nicest choice of words, it can clear a room or change a subject faster than, well, fast.</div><div><br /></div><div>I remember reading a post from <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4"><a href="http://awfulbutfunctioning.blogspot.com/">Tash</a></span> where someone told her that the second and third year after a loss are the worst. I have to say I agree. Don't get me wrong, that first year sucked but there was also a kind of numbness or shock that covered me and took a while to wear off. I don't think the full sense of what really happened, what we really lost when Tess and Oliver died hit us until Davis was born 16 months later. Therapy helped, but I was so focused on getting pregnant again I didn't feel strong enough to go through the P <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">ost</span> T <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">raumatic</span> S tress therapy she really wanted me to try. It basically entails you reliving every detail of an event in technicolor <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">overandoverandover</span> to reduce the affects. I just wasn't strong enough. I'm not sure I will ever be strong enough.</div><div><br /></div><div>Today marks three years <a href="http://quietsanctuary.wordpress.com/2009/03/10/196/">M's</a> sweet babies P&L were born and died. She's asking questions that hit close and I believe our answers are the same. As Tess and Oliver's fourth birthday approaches I find myself settling in to the realization that this is it. It will always hurt. I will always miss them. I will always wonder what if? I will always ask why?</div><div><br /></div><div>Kicking off on such a down post was not what I had envisioned when I made the decision to create a new place to ramble. Such is the life and head and heart of a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">deadbabymama</span>. Ups and downs and loop-d-loos.</div><div><div><br /></div></div></div>HDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00348837788996467720noreply@blogger.com0