Hello

Ok so here we go, New! blog.

I've been trying to get this up and running for too long. I have been stumbling over the name and the intro text. I sat down originally and it came to me quickly but then the hubs was a bit put off by my intro, specifically the word deadbabyland. So I tried out a few other ways of saying the same thing. There just doesn't seem to be a nice way of saying it. In the almost four years since stepping into the land of deadbabymamas I've found that no matter when/where/who/how it is brought up, the subject of dead babies is uncomfortable. No one understands this more than someone that has the unfortunate membership to deadbabyland. It's always rubbed me the wrong way when I hear the words "I lost twins, Tess and Oliver" coming out of my mouth. It makes my skin crawl. Just the way it sounds... lost? As if I looked hard enough or long enough I could find them. But I continue to use lost as it's the nicest way to say it. Yet even using the nicest choice of words, it can clear a room or change a subject faster than, well, fast.

I remember reading a post from Tash where someone told her that the second and third year after a loss are the worst. I have to say I agree. Don't get me wrong, that first year sucked but there was also a kind of numbness or shock that covered me and took a while to wear off. I don't think the full sense of what really happened, what we really lost when Tess and Oliver died hit us until Davis was born 16 months later. Therapy helped, but I was so focused on getting pregnant again I didn't feel strong enough to go through the P ost T raumatic S tress therapy she really wanted me to try. It basically entails you reliving every detail of an event in technicolor overandoverandover to reduce the affects. I just wasn't strong enough. I'm not sure I will ever be strong enough.

Today marks three years M's sweet babies P&L were born and died. She's asking questions that hit close and I believe our answers are the same. As Tess and Oliver's fourth birthday approaches I find myself settling in to the realization that this is it. It will always hurt. I will always miss them. I will always wonder what if? I will always ask why?

Kicking off on such a down post was not what I had envisioned when I made the decision to create a new place to ramble. Such is the life and head and heart of a deadbabymama. Ups and downs and loop-d-loos.